5 RULES FOR VALENTINE'S DAY

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The only holiday (well not exactly a holiday) to salvage the dryness before Easter is around the corner again this year. Valentine’s Day.

It is the most exaggerated and totally out-of-context celebration of love in the solar system. As you can already tell, I totally despise the holiday. Funny story? I was born on that day (Dammit!!!).

 The 14^th of February is an excuse for a different kind of debauchery, superficial declarations of love and also, people who feel like shit because they have no one to take them to dinner with hot sex for dessert.  Pity.

This year, the holiday falls on the Roman Catholic celebration of Ash Wednesday and although this is supposed to be a day of reflection for people who observe the celebration, it will not stop the sins of fornication and adultery. This is also a day where human beings will be finessed, duped and heartbroken but not to worry, I’m here as always to help the situation and, your oppressor catch fire.

RULE 1: DON’T GET PREGNANT

 Want me to say it louder for the people at the back?

DON’T GET PREGNANT!!!

Unless you’re married or in a stable relationship with someone you can see having a family with, please do not get pregnant on the 14^th. Combine every contraceptive known to man on that day please or better still, zip up and shut your legs. This goes for both genders. Baby formula and diapers are really expensive. Baby daddy and baby mama trouble is unhealthy for your sanity. Your parents will kill you first and let you have the baby later if you’re African. Please, Please and please!!! Flee from every appearance of the devil in the form of a hunk with a nice beard or a lady in a N400,000 Iceland or Ukrainian hair (I hear it’s no longer Brazilian). If you’re going to have your legs up in the air with your eyes rolling backwards or you’re going to be humping the bedevil out of someone’s daughter without any contraceptives, November will be the due date.

RULE 2: BLOCK YOUR EXES ON THE 10^TH

 Mark this date. Set a reminder with a very loud alarm as well. 

Your lonely-ass-trash-bumbaclart exes will hit you up on this day with the “Hey Big Head” or “Hey Stranger” bullshit. Don’t fall for it. God that removed that demon and witch from your life will be disappointed when you reply that text. Make a mental list of your toxic exes and block them from the 10^th-15^th. Don’t accept any phone call in the guise of “I miss you” or “I just wanted to check up on you” lies. They should miss you in their rotten hearts and keep it to themselves because, all they want is to use penis and vagina to enter your life and disappear by mid-March or Easter.

Give their pictures to your estate security or house security to turn them back if they show up. They will probably ask them why you haven’t been taking your calls so, add that you went to Bora-Bora or New Zealand for work/vacation and you won’t be back till the 15^th or, you’ve moved to the Isle of Man for a Master’s Degree. It has to be somewhere far (23 hours of flying and layovers) before someone will come and give you one useless surprise, leaving you grinning like the dumb Sea Horse that you are and God dropping his hands in exasperation. If you’re still in university, start going straight to your accommodation after your lectures. Don’t branch anywhere. The 10^th is a Saturday so, go to the market and stock yourself with food to last till the 15^th. Lock your doors always and keep your phones on silent. If anyone dares ring you, put your phone on Airplane mode.

RULE 3: DON’T BREAK THE BANK

Unless you enjoy watery Egusi soup with a clear distinction between the water and the soup like the dry land between the parted Red Sea, don’t rattle your bank account to prove a point. No one will cry with you after I promise.

Your gifts don’t have to be grandiose or generate Retweets on Twitter. It really doesn’t have to be a pearl from the mouth of an almost extinct fish in a remote part of the Indian Ocean, gold from the oil fields of the Persian Gulf (Is this even possible?), a PS8 or a First Class ticket to have dinner on a 60^th floor open air restaurant in a Skyscraper in Dubai. Don’t get me wrong, luxury is good when you can afford it. I mean, you should check out the First Class suites on Emirates Airlines; it’s almost convincing that you’re not suspended in the air in a glorified sardine can. If you can’t afford luxury, don’t be stupid in trying to prove stupid love to your partner. February has only 14 days left after Valentine’s but can get very long when there’s a pocket of air in your bank account. Gifts can be small and simple. It’s really about the thought and not the gift, no matter how little. Anyone who wants the egg of an Ostrich and cannot appreciate the egg of the hen you brought them should be cast into the lake of fire.

RULE 4: YOUR VALENTINE DOESN’T HAVE TO BE A ROMANTIC INTEREST

It doesn’t trust me. Anyone can be your Valentine, regardless of gender or relationship. Your parents, siblings or even a good friend could be your Valentine. My good friend (Male) at the time of writing this was supposed to be my Valentine but, he is most likely going to get cuffed before then. You can deal me with the gay card for having a male Valentine however, best believe that I’m going to take the card and shove it up as far as your rectum.

Your Valentine might as well be yourself. Since it’s my birthday and I have no Valentine, I will find a good Eatery on campus, immerse myself and become one with the food court. Treat yourself that day. Take yourself out to somewhere nice or stay in and enjoy a few glasses of wine alone or like in my case, the whole bottle. It’s really a day to mock single people. Stay above that and celebrate love itself.

RULE 5: GO TO THE ASH WEDNESDAY SERVICE

 Go to the early morning Mass, get the ash, clean it by 3 pm and go and get more at the evening Mass. You don’t have to be Catholic to do this for Christianity knows no barriers. Find a church and walk in there. Keep your mind focused on solemnity. It’ll back fire any form of serendipity that the devil has planned in form of fornication and pregnancy. When the Mass is over, keep saying the “Hail Mary” all day. Pray for all the saints, the devil, your village people, everybody in fact. Go and sit by the “Holy Mary” statue and gist with Mary. Ask her what she’d have done for Joseph if she existed in our time. Help yourself to be helped by God and there will be no kid(s) in November if you don’t want them.

I hope you have a good one.

PS: I’m accepting Forex currencies for my birthday. I have a domiciliary account.