THE PROVERBIAL DUSTBIN

  Photo credit: Google.

 Disclaimer: This post might be offensive to a few people, (well, like all of my posts) because it contains a dustbin that most of you belong to. Do find your part of the dustbin and do better. XO

The proverbial dust bin is my figurative abyss for everything trash. It’s a place where I toss all forms of toxic energy into, be it people, situations, universities, governments and people once again. My dust bin has given me some sort of peace because of all the dirt I’ve thrown in there and, as your friend (or enemy), it is my responsibility to ensure that you have peace too. So let’s get to it. What and who are in my dust bin?

PEOPLE WITH FAKE OR FORCED ACCENTS.

I don’t know how best to communicate how much irritation this causes me. To make matters worse, the Lord God Almighty has blessed me with bionic ears that can break down human speech, so that I can tell with ease, when an accent is being forced. I really can’t understand why Nigerians feel so good about having accents that would cause people to say “please come again”. It’s okay to speak good English- in fact, speaking good English might leave you with an accent, depending on how you choose to enunciate your words. Where my problem lies is when you start to force it and unwanted “Rs” and “Ls” or your mother tongue factor disturbs your speech. Lagos is the Mecca of forced accents where you’d find people that don’t know what a boarding pass is, having foreign accents with discombobulated (This word is too heavy) sentences and “Lorndorns” and “bargs” everywhere.

These lot should be amongst the nails and sharp objects in the dustbin so that when they turn their necks, their ugly voice boxes will be punctured, ceasing their ability to speak.

PUBLIC UNIVERSITIES IN NIGERIA.

My entire four years in a Nigerian university has made me scared about being broke and scared about the education of my kids. It is beyond me how a system can be so unorganized, fucked up, unsupervised, cancelled and balls deep in a bottomless pit of shit. Everything in our public universities is designed to give you mental health issues. The whole system, the people who run it and the minister of education should be put in the part of the dustbin where there are so many banana peels that could suffocate them.

PEOPLE, WHO WERE RAISED IN NIGERIA, CAN’T SPEAK OR UNDERSTAND ANY OF OUR LANGUAGES BUT SCRAMBLE TO LEARN A FOREIGN ONE

Are you a donkey?

Nah really, are you a donkey or a mountain goat? It’s bad enough that you can’t speak at least one Nigerian language which might be because you weren’t taught as a child but, can you give me at least one coherent reason you’re learning Mandarin or French instead of Igbo or Yoruba? I know that you’ll have the chest and nipples to say that you’re trying to be a polyglot or bilingual. You really should be in the dustbin for that.

It behooves me to state how silly we are when it comes to embracing and upholding our Nigerian languages. They are beautiful and deserved to be learned. I mean, English has now become a pivot of intelligence and indigenous languages, a sign of ineptness. Learning Spanish or Italian when you don’t know jack about your own language shows how much of an uncultured swine you are.

Please, proceed to the dustbin and may God bless you as you do so.

MISOGYNISTS & HOMOPHOBES

If you are a Nigerian guy in the house say HELL YEAH!!!

Misogyny and homophobia in Nigeria is mostly akin with the guys and not the ladies. It’s the men who always want to assert their “headness”, how much women are beneath them and how anything same sex is against nature and the Bible. It’s the same people who flush their Bibles down the toilet when it’s time to whip out their one-eyed snakes for a 5 minute session. Pathetic.

Call me petty and extra but these days, making new friends for me hinges on views on women and homophobia. I can’t tolerate any form of hate, despite whomever hiding behind the veil of any religion on the face of earth. What do I do? When I start a conversation with someone and there are hints or blatant views of misogyny or homophobia, I simply end the discussion, remove myself from the environment and tell the person to “Please proceed to the dustbin and may God help you as you do so”- not in person though. Bandages, casts and crutches are not sexy.

9 MOBILE

Ever since Etisalat left the building in 2017, 9 Mobile has been moving reckless with their service from phone signals to expensive broadband that no one can understand how fast it runs. Something fishy is going on and I know it but for now, stay in the dustbin till you start thinking straight and offer us an impeccable telecommunication service.

PEOPLE WHO NEVER KEEP TO TIME

BMT- Black Man Time.

I know that this obtains in every part of Africa and wherever you find black people but guys, seriously, its 2018. Time is money, sleep, food and writing a blog post for me and when someone makes me wait, I feel my life slipping away. We need to be conscious about starting events or meeting people on time. The world has become more fast-paced than it was in the 1990s. Time is very precious and no one should waste yours without a plausible reason and a proper apology. Set a standard with your friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances, that shows that time is important to you and if they dare move funny, they’re going to be incarcerated as opposed to going to the dustbin first.

PEOPLE WHO LACK PROPER TEXTING ETIQUETTE

Monosyllabic answers, half-hearted LOLs, communicating an emergency by text and assuming I live on my phone to see it and not bothering to text someone because they haven’t texted you, has made me loathe texting, to preferring communication over a phone call. People like this are in the part of my dustbin that’s got liquid so that when they struggle, it’ll enter their cheap phones and they’ll kaput. 

DANA AIRLINES

Nigerians surprise and scare me at the same time. I don’t know how people still have the chest and the nipples to travel with them, my sister included. They had a tragedy that could’ve been prevented or not and that is cool. But what is confusing me is that these people do not understand the meaning of “brand re-positioning” and how bouncing back means that their services have to be better. Well, it can’t be though with their falling exit doors, planes skidding off the runway and planes looking like they were built during the time Jesus walked the earth. I rest my case. Dustbin please? Thank you.

THE NIGERIAN GOVERNMENT.

No need to talk about this ones. They're in the canal.

I hope my dustbin is similar to yours. Get a proverbial dustbin today, dump all your toxic waste and live your best life. It’s free.

I’d love to hear about the contents of your own dustbin in the comments. XO.