DEAR NIGERIAN PARENTS

DISCLAIMER: This post contains a lot of despair and contempt towards Nigerian parents and might be offensive to parents who are bad with criticism (well, that’s almost all of them if you put it that way). This post was inspired by the Netflix movie “Dear White People”. You really should see it.

Dear Nigerian parents, spending a night out doesn’t mean I am a delinquent

Right. This is the part where almost every Nigerian kid, living in Nigeria or in diaspora, has to break a few rules that might lead to disavowing or in a more colloquial term “disowning”. I totally get it. I haven’t gotten to that point yet because my father will simply fling me into Jupiter’s orbit and I’m really not ready to orbit Jupiter as one of its moons.

Nights out are indeed very simple. It’s either drinks with friends, clubbing, karaoke, house parties or simply a sleep over. Whilst I can admit that it can get very overboard sometimes, it’s mostly a group of millennials coming together to have some fun and to catch up. What do Nigerian parents think? Orgy parties with an unlimited supply of cocaine and tequila, loud music rattling the gates of heaven and the devil himself, master of ceremony with a red cape hanging from his neck, handing out shots of vodka to already passed out young people. I really cannot dismiss the validity of this claim and at the same time, I doubt this occurs frequently.

Nigerian parents feel that spending a night out in any activity that is bereft of the name of God means that you’re on a first class (priority boarding in fact) trip to hell fire, you are a rogue that will never get ahead in life or in the case of my girls, you will get pregnant and no man will marry you after. This is why they are against it and also why their children will keep living double lives in school or end up dying in a bid to sneak out to nights out with their friends.

Dear Nigerian parents, nights out are a way for us millennials to expand our circles, network, learn more about ourselves, meet the love of our lives, have sex (Yes ke. Your kids are having sex whether you choose to believe it or not) or basically avoid being a social pariah. You lot went to discotheques (oh yes, we know you did) and got drunk out of your minds. Let us our rite of passage.

Dear Nigerian parents *insert elders*, I do not give a flying fuck if your first child is a grandma or your last child is a 100 years older than I am.

This is usually a defense mechanism when they have erred or as a rebuttal for a slight issue that has been exaggerated as always. If I had a Dollar for every time I’ve heard “My last child has finished university so don’t talk to me like that; I have five grand kids so you will do anything I say; I have trained 5 children so I cannot tell you sorry”, I’d be on the Forbes list. It is usually a form of emotional manipulation that sometimes works and is used to guilt trip young people especially in religious institutions or schools. They want to feel good about their “achievement of a 100 grand kids” and would not tolerate any form of disrespect or challenge.

Dear Nigerian parents *insert elders, unless I am planning to marry your kid or your grand kid, I do not care about the ages of your children. Stop guilt tripping me when you err or when I do something that doesn’t deserve a grandiose address. If you err, say sorry and move on. Save your family demographics for your international passport.

Dear Nigerian parents, having a boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t mean I’m fornicating. Well, most of the time.

When Nigerian parents find out or think about their kids in relationships, what comes to their minds? Fornication and pregnancy-not even STDs or HIV. Pregnancy. 

Since most of them have abused the hell out of their kids emotionally, their kids can never come to them for advice when they feel something for someone or if someone is making advances at them. This neglect then sometimes leads to pregnancy. They limit social interaction especially for their girls, never for the boys because of the double standards that are very apparent in this country. When the girls get to 21 or finish uni, they start asking them for their boyfriends or why they haven’t brought any man home. No need to worry, our phone software updates now come with men or women. Just provide Wi-Fi for downloading because they are large files.

Dear Nigerian parents, relationships don’t mean we are committing a grave sin or that anyone is getting pregnant. Liking someone and wanting to try out something with them is totally normal and a part of growing up. We might be fornicating and that is really not your business until we bring a love child home. That’s when it becomes your business.

Dear Nigerian parents, saying sorry will not reduce your age or take away your parent status.

Sorry, so simple yet such an idea of a death sentence for Nigerian parents.

The word “sorry” from a Nigerian parent is mostly a seldom occurrence. It is even rarer than the occurrence of snowfall in Africa. They almost never say for a reason that we young people don’t understand but expect it as soon as we drop a pencil and it snaps. A Nigerian parent will err and expect their kids to apologize to them for THEIR OWN errors. They’ll rather make you feel like a part of the cause of their mistake and scold you again for failing to prevent it.

Dear Nigerian parents, sorry is easier to say than chewing a piece of yam. You will not die or be any less of a parent if you take responsibility for your actions, apologize and move on. If you can’t say sorry, what exactly are you teaching us?

Dear Nigerian parents, you do not know everything

Times have changed. Knowledge is no longer in the hands of a few and if you can admit, we young people know a whole lot more than you do. We agree that wisdom comes with age, sometimes, but you should also admit that you cannot solely see the world from your wrinkled lenses alone. Technology has made a lot of us grow faster than we should have. Social media and social interaction has thrown us into the hands of never before seen experience and life lessons. We’re not as dumb, clueless and without direction as you mostly think.

Dear Nigerian parents, our opinions matter. Our inputs into decision making in our homes and in our lives should be sought out. We do not like to be shushed when we make suggestions. We’ve got intuition just like you do.

This is a part one and I’m going to do a part two next week. Share this to your entire group chats and get ready for a revolution in 2018 (LOOOOOL).

I dare y’all to share this to your parents and don’t mind the obscenity in the second point. 

When they ask you, tell them I am a delinquent.