LADY WITH THE PAST

Dear Ifeanyi, 

I've recently entered a new relationship with an amazing man who cares about me deeply and I feel very at peace and loved. However, like all new relationships, it gets to a point where we have to talk about our pasts. I agreed with my partner to talk about our pasts and when the time came, he went first, emptied his soul and when it was my turn, my brain short-circuited. I wasn't ready. I don't think I trust him enough yet to talk about my past. I will talk when I'm comfortable but he's pissed at me and says it's over if I wouldn't open up. Help. 

 Emmy. 

Dear Emmy, 

Human beings are lucky to have a brain that records, files and keeps ready what we want to remember and sometimes, the ones we desperately want to flush down our toilets. We all have pasts- ugly ones, good ones, ones where if we were given a machete to kill ourselves, we would because we’re either ashamed of the things we’ve done or are ashamed of events that were beyond our control.

From your words, you had a conversation with your partner that involved talking about your pasts and that is totally healthy and fine. It is healthy because the people we choose to enter romantic relationships with and even friendships, deserve the full versions of ourselves and that includes a huge chunk of our pasts. You feel like you’ve single-handedly destroyed your relationship because you can’t seem to find the words to say what your stomach is not ready to say and darling, that isn’t a bad thing at all. You feel that you’ve scared away a man that you’re really into because you’re not ready to share a version of yourself.

The feelings of despair and the feeling that you’ve lost some carats of romantic diamonds are totally normal but they aren’t healthy. I know that he has aired his dirty laundry to you and the agreement was that he talks, you talk. I get your partner’s feeling of frustration and disappointment. We all have been raised differently and sometimes, a lot of us let our emotions overwhelm and cloud our reasonable judgments. I’m not trying to reduce the weight of your partner’s emotions to infinitesimal levels because what he feels is valid-valid to feel disappointment but not valid enough to shut you out like that.

Scuffles happen in relationships all the time with two people often fighting the hardest to save or destroy what they treasure. Love.

You my dear need to get your armour ready and:

-Speak to him.

Apologize for going ahead with an agreement you weren’t ready for.

-Explain that you aren’t ready and not being ready is not akin to shooting him with a double barrel gun in the heart. Not being ready means that you value trust. You want to trust a man before opening up to him. Don’t beat yourself up for hiding parts of yourself that you aren’t ready to let out until you trust your partner enough. Like I said earlier, I totally understand his frustration but I think it’s not fair to make someone talk about something that they don’t want to be said just yet. I’m not trying to placate your partner’s frustration because you agreed to do something but you defaulted. If this had any legal backing, you’re in big trouble. But my dear, this is not a court of law, a marriage contract or a restraining order. This is love.

Love does a lot of compromise and a lot of deep thinking. Your partner hasn’t left a room in his head to think yet and is threatening that your relationship would be aborted if you don’t speak up.

Bullshit.

You have a right to start talking and stop talking. You have a right to say you want to open up and retract your decision because you’re just not ready. We’re not robots, we’re human.

Let your partner hear this from you. Tell him that you’re not ready and you’re sorry for making it look like you were. Tell him you’ll say the things that you know you want to when you want to say them. Give room for him to collect his thoughts and forgive you.

If all fails my lady, move on and accept that it wasn’t meant to be. They’re a lot of other people out there eager to know every inch of your beautiful self and wouldn’t pressure you to open up and wouldn’t let their feelings get ahead of them even after you’ve said you would  speak and you didn’t.

Yours truly

Ifeanyi.