THE BOOK OF LIES

Photo credit: Twitter

Disclaimer: This post contains some of the lies y’all tell and really, some of y’all are going to fall from the table that I’m about to shake. Careful, don’t fall. 

This post was inspired by a hypothetical book (I don’t know if this makes sense) that surfaced on Twitter about two years ago, named after the title of this post. I looked for the book for a while before I found out that it didn't exist. The book had only one chapter, which is going to be my first as well, after which I will start my earth tremor. This is my book of lies, shall we?

CHAPTER ONE: I LOVE YOU

The etymology of the “three words, eight letters” has Satan, evil and lies oozing from it. This phrase is probably the most popular malapropism in the entire English language or any other language translation. It is used by men and women all over the world to get out of sticky romantic situations, used at the brink of an orgasm and also, as an excuse to be trash. I haven’t had this phrase used to lie to me because someone’s head is definitely going to be spun but, I have a few friends who have fallen victim of the demonic power of “I love you”. Their experiences and the ones I’ve read about online have made me realize how superficial love is in our century, and how anyone would use that word in line with their wicked schemes. Learn to use this phrase when you mean it and be ready to fully align your actions with the responsibilities and commitments that come with it. Be careful when anyone mutters these words to you and vet its validity. For y’all who sell dreams with “I love you”, do keep the same energy when karma comes for you.

CHAPTER TWO: MY EX AND I ARE JUST GOOD FRIENDS.

I was in this situation a few days ago, when someone I was “talking” to, told me that they had lied about their friendship with their “ex” and that in fact, they were still going out. It felt like someone had looked me in the eye and kneed me in my crotch because I had just turned 20 a month ago and decided I was ready to try something out with someone.

The world today is filled with men and women, shilly-shallying with their partners and dragging others into their mess, sometimes without compunction. A lot of people who say they’re done with their past relationships or that they’re strictly platonic friends with their exes are telling you the most gob- smacking lie in the solar system. Best believe that they’re having “eyes-rolling backwards” sex behind your back and the joke is totally on you. We have to be ready to play CIA with our love interests and find out if we’re being roped into a love triangle because men people are trash. If you have unfinished business with an ex, end the transaction before you enter into a new partnership with another person before you fucking ruin your balance sheets, ruin your company and destroy someone else’s life!!!

CHAPTER THREE: I’M NOT MARRIED

Hi Nigerian men. Are the mandem alright?

We are really in a time when men hide their wedding bands, deny their wives and swear that they’ve never fathered a child in their lives. Unsuspecting women always fall for this lie because, these lot possess the sleight of hand to finesse ladies so well that they wouldn’t think that these men have ever walked down the aisle. Nigeria is full of unregenerate bearded Satans , that are not satisfied with their marriages and would rather be called husband and boyfriend (two- in-one promo pack). They’re out and about, shamming the female populace and being good descendants of Lucifer.

If you’re a lady and you’re reading this, find one of the mandem who work in “Yabacon Valley” and befriend them. Let them help you dig out the profiles of the men you meet that look too good to be true. Find the truth and drown whoever lied in Badagry beach.

CHAPTER FOUR: NIGERIA WILL GET BETTER SOON

Beautiful impossibility. Impossicant. Impossibility-impo-mpo-mpo.

 I’m not sardonic or anything but let’s face it, Nigeria isn’t going anywhere soon. Nigeria getting better for me doesn’t mean super highways, 6G internet and fast bullet trains. A better Nigeria for me is people who aren’t ruled by greed and the sick problem of entitlement most of us battle with. A better Nigeria as well would be a time when misogyny, child marriage, rape, homophobia and religious excessiveness, become intolerable by the citizenry. I don’t see any of this happening anytime soon though. Don’t @ me.

CHAPTER FOUR: PUBLIC UNIVERSITIES IN NIGERIA ARE GOOD

You lie. You’re moving mad and you need an MRI scan. Shut your lying hippopotamus mouth.

CHAPTER FIVE: JUST THE TIP

LOL sis, if a guy tells you he just wants to put the tip, grab your fucking wig and leave, even if it’s your own house because bruv, if it goes in, it’s not gonna come out. Be wise, use your number six and shut down that dirty lie.

CHAPTER SIX: THE POLICE IS YOUR FRIEND

Not in Nigeria. Maybe in another parallel universe but not in this Nigeria. No.

CHAPTER SEVEN: THIS KISS DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING.

Kiss him/her back. You’ll be planning a couple’s holiday to Tuscany in a few years when you can afford it. You might walk down the aisle with him/her if you make it that far.

CHAPTER EIGHT: THE FLIGHT TIME IS 1:30

Lies from the rocks beneath the Pacific Ocean. Domestic flights in Nigeria almost never leave on time. It’s either the planes are not on ground, the weather is bad, the pilot forgot the plane somewhere, the pilot flew without the plane or, the pilot and the head of cabin crew were banging so hard that the plane diverted out of Nigeria’s air space. I don’t even know.

Eat well. Fill your tummy and come with plenty entertainment to the airport because baby, the pilot has to go back and get the plane he forgot.

CHAPTER NINE: I’LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES

Shut up bruv and stop spewing smelling lies. I’m in Ikoyi, you’re in Ikeja and you say you’re five minutes away but really, you haven’t seen the silhouette of Third Mainland Bridge.

CHAPTER TEN: I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS

A lie worth the money of the entire people sitting with Dangote on his special table, at his daughter’s wedding. They probably have a year’s worth supply of Durex, a mind movie of their wedding with you or a contract with the local pharmacy for POSTINOR 2. Shut it down or dine with them on a table as long as Rapunzel’s hair.

All has been said. I wonder what you have in the chapters of your own book of lies. Would you be a darling and let’s have a conversation in the comments section?