FINESSE THE HOLIDAYS OR BE FINESSED

 

 Photo credit: Google.

DISCLAIMER: This post contains a lot of diabolic and superstition-based assertions that you might be familiar with if you watch Nollywood movies. I may or may not believe in some of them.

Christmas is here.

Not that I am excited or anything though. I totally despise the holiday and Christmas songs give me the urge to stab myself and I’m not cold-hearted trust me.

In the spirit of the season which is giving, I am here to give you a guide to scam this holiday and not let it scam you. This season is one where good things happen and also bad things which you could’ve apparently prevented if you were not so caught up in your feelings for the season.

Let me help.

·         DON’T FORNICATE

Should I spell it out? DON’T SLEEP WITH SOMEONE WHO YOU’RE NOT MARRIED TO OR IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ( Although, the latter disregards the entire definition of fornication LOL). This is a season where people come with different spirits, different diseases and different stupidities from their various countries of residence to Nigeria to come and gift their packages to unsuspecting preys. I know that the season becomes more worthwhile when you have a romantic or sexual relationship with someone but, I urge you to cease and desist this December. For the ladies, my idiot fellow men from across the seas will come with their “init” or “gonna wanna” accents and their small $100 that is N10m and will deceive you so that they can use penis to destroy your life and disappear by January 2^nd for life. Some of them resident in Nigeria are even spirit men from the marine kingdom sent to snatch wombs and destinies. 

For men, some ladies are just looking for men who will buy them an iPhone X and they will manage you till Valentine’s Day. After that, you’re on your ones. Please just focus on God this Christmas and go to church.

As well, if you think protection is going to work for your fornication, Harmattan is here and the dry air will break your condom. Pharmacies are going to be out of “morning after pills” this season because of the level of sin that will go on. Unless you’re fine with having a baby next summer, go ahead. Invite me for the naming ceremony. My red passport gives me access to many countries without visa so; I will be there, wherever.

·         BE VIGILANT

This is a season where people get missing or get involved in mysterious accidents. This is also the season where the witches, wizards and marine spirits of Nigeria take their annual retreat and obviously, they need food to eat and blood to drink at their locations. In order not to become retreat menu, be careful about your movements and always inform people about where you are going. Go as far as snapping the plate number of taxis you enter and go out in groups. Pray to whom or whatever you believe in and hope that you get home safely. Don’t go to all the parties you’re invited to because some idiot robbers or rapists will be there to slip their drugs from hell fire to make you lose consciousness and do whatever they please with you. I am also not being gender specific.

·         SPEND WISELY

There will be a lot of posters this month for this concert, that party and that wine tasting at some overpriced bar. Be vary about the establishments you'll give your money to this season because they will not come to save you when you’re eating Indomie and water as your meals in January. Find out how you can do some indoor entertainment for you and your CLOSE FRIENDS. Making jollof rice for five to ten people doesn’t cost much and you can also buy packets of Nutri-C if you can’t afford drinks. Nutri-C is even cheaper than buying fruits for smoothies. If you’re broke and you know people will flock to your home on Christmas Day, put your phone on airplane mode, stay in your house and eat alone.

Also, stay attached to your friends that come from across the seas. Let them spend their chicken change which are millions in our currency on you. If you also can’t afford concerts, tell your friends to either pay for you or give you live Snapchat updates. You don’t have to be anywhere in real-time in 2017.

·         STAY AWAY FROM AS MUCH FAMILY AS POSSIBLE

Yes I said it. Stay away. Run for your life.

Spend time with your nuclear family (if you’re not estranged) and your extended family members who can pass for a nuclear family member. You don’t have to visit the people you don’t like or give anything to people who are trash 365/66 days every year. Don’t eat from everyone and also, do not accept gifts from everyone. I am being diabolical again but trust me, Juju is very real. Staying away from too much family equals less drama and preservation of your destiny.

·         GIVE

As confused as the reason for the season is, the actual point of this is giving. By giving, I mean giving to people who are in need,  not giving because your genitals came in contact with someone else's and you feel obligated to THANK THEM. There are a number of charities throwing parties for people in need. Get in touch with them and find out how you can be of help.

Also look at your immediate environment; you’ve got friends or family (good ones. Giving is allowed to be conditional sometimes) that are in need of something. Give your Widows Mite and keep it moving. Don’t give when you know you don’t have to prove a point. Don’t give to remember or reference. Give silently and don’t accept gifts from people who are going to reference it when misunderstandings come up. Your worth is not dependent on a gift.

Generally, try and have fun with the people who matter this season and be open to meeting new people and expanding your network. Be thankful for your year, good or bad. You’re alive and that is all that matters.

Don’t drink and drive because funerals are very costly, air travel around Nigeria will be disgusting and parents remember you will pay school fees or renew your house rent in January. Ma lo go (Don’t play yourself).

Kiss someone you genuinely have feelings for on New Year's Day and not some fleeting rubbish that will end a few days later when everyone clocks reality.

Also ladies, if you meet any man this season, your first question before he speaks further should be:

Are you married?