BAGS SECURED, BUBU, CODEINE & YAHOO YAHOO

 

Photo credit: Twitter

Disclaimer: There is no disclaimer. I just like disclaimers because they’re triggering. I like triggering people.

Hi guys.

How are my favourite people doing? I do hope that you’re drinking water, spending wisely, minding your business and blocking people that Satan has sent to cause a hurricane in your life? I know you are. I trust you.

Since you lot enjoyed my weekly round post, I have decided to do another for the biggest stories in May, giving some soft news and interpretation after all, I’m not going to swallow my journalism degree just yet.

May has been a month of people making the word “stupidity” look obsolete and atrophic. The headlines throughout the month left my jaw agape, cancelling every hope I’ve had in humanity. God needs to create a planet-like dustbin for us after I’ve secured the bag.

It’s time to secure your attention.

THE ROYAL WEDDING

Did you see Megan Markle’s wink? That was a wink of victory and millions of bags secured.

English weddings have always been something I’ve wanted to witness. There’s something about women in beautiful hats in the British sun and the men wearing suits that my entire tuition fees since nursery school cannot buy. Even the beautiful architecture of the churches is definitely somewhere I know that I’ll feel the presence of God and touch it. Not in the presence of a screaming pastor and wrongly connected microphones.

So if you don’t know, our favourite actress from “Suits” has shaken the tables of years of racism by marrying a prince-while black, and bagging the title of the “Duchess of Sussex” (Can you hear the class?). I never imagined that a human being with some sort of black in them will smell the royal family but I guess the universe is full of paradoxes.

Well, everything was going well last Saturday until men people decided that we had to view the contents of the sewage in their brains. A lot of men people praised Megan for her minimal make up and simple look and “urged” women to look more decent and simple at their weddings.

LOL first of all, Megan’s make up was $13,000 and her dress, $270,000.

Should I say that again???

$13,000 and $270,000.

Do you have that kind of money?

If you want your wife to look like Megan on your wedding day, do provide the $13,000 or zip it please. However a woman wants to look on her wedding day shouldn’t even be a topic of discussion sheesh!!! People are dying of hunger guys! If a woman wants her makeup to be seen from Neptune, let her. If she wants a minimum face beat that could only be seen as far as the International Space Station, let her. Why do you retards always like to interrupt good things by dragging women into vain discussions? 

Oh and Megan married her prince at 36 so, discard that smelling narrative of child marriage y’all have and PS: a 100 year old tree looks younger than Kate Hopkins.

Also, David Beckham and Ebuka Obi-Uchendu should be banned from weddings.

NAFDAC AND EMZOR

Before I begin, does anyone know a way that we can wake Dora Akunyili from the dead? If you do, send me an e-mail. But since I doubt there’s a way because God himself would’ve sent her back to return sense to NAFDAC, let’s do this.

Who’s the director of NAFDAC? I’m going to need whoever to @ their university with their chest because I’ve been trying to make a reconnaissance of the whole situation. How can you fully close a part of a pharmaceutical company because they manufacture codeine? Is codeine cocaine now?

I don’t get it honestly. Yes, codeine enables an addiction with horrible withdrawal issues but isn’t codeine one of the fastest ways to cure a cough? Is pharmacy changing? What about other drugs with more lethal effects? Isn’t there a way to ask for a court ruling to halt the production of codeine rather than close a part of a pharmaceutical company? Is Nigeria stable enough to control drug addiction and regulate the sale and use of drugs? I think these are important questions NAFDAC needs to ask themselves before running amok. 

They’re clearly not so, we’re starting the movement: #BringDoraAkunyiliBack. Let the revolution begin.

BUBU & THE HOSPITAL

*In Rihanna’s voice: If I say what’s on my mind, I might do a little time.

I have just one question though. If Buhari has to leave Nigeria at the slightest sneeze, what is the use of the millions of Naira budgeted for the Aso Rock Clinic? Is the Aso Rock Clinic a subterfuge? I think my question is as complex as asking who God is.

EFCC & THE CHAMPAGNE POPPING BOYS

Yahoo Yahoo is paying.

If you don’t know yet, look around. There’s hundreds of young guys, doing the most uncanny things because they want to pop an Ace of Spades or a Dom Perignon at an exclusive club by Five Cowries Creek or on Ozumba Mbadiwe in Victoria Island. And by popping, I mean pouring it on the floor, on their water resistant phones or watches. Who pours a Dom Perignon away? That’s how you know poor people trust me.

Fraud is wicked, cruel and inhuman. I can’t applaud EFCC for storming my favourite island of Ikoyi and rounding up alleged fraudsters until I’ve read that they’ve been put behind bars. We need to change our mindsets of an unhealthy cling to material things. We need to stop praising money and start teaching our youths that there’s no need to rush anything in life. Everything and anything that happens to you, good or bad, is part of your story.

But, trust Nigerians on social media to once again reiterate that our “leaders of tomorrow” are lost in a huge pot of peppery stew.

Before you defend fraud because of the shit economy, imagine someone stealing N500,000 from your account with no trace. Ask yourselves if the yahoo boys do anything meaningful with the millions they make after stealing from people. Ask yourselves if there are any proper investments. Remind yourselves of the blood stained image every Nigerian now has on their passports. Remind yourselves that there are thousands of people abroad hunting for blood because their life savings have been wiped away.

If after you’ve had an inner dialogue with yourself with these questions and you still support fraud, let’s talk. 

I have the number of a psychiatrist you can speak to.